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| Why He Delighted in that Theft, When All Things Which Under the Appearance of Good Invite to Vice are True and Perfect in God Alone.
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Chapter VI.—Why He Delighted in
that Theft, When All Things Which Under the Appearance of Good
Invite to Vice are True and Perfect in God Alone.
12. What was it, then, that I, miserable one,
so doted on in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of darkness, in
that sixteenth year of my age? Beautiful thou wert not, since thou
wert theft. But art thou anything, that so I may argue the case
with thee? Those pears that we stole were fair to the sight,
because they were Thy creation, Thou fairest205
of all, Creator of all, Thou good
God—God, the highest good, and my true good. Those pears truly
were pleasant to the sight; but it was not for them that my
miserable soul lusted, for I had abundance of better, but those I
plucked simply that I might steal. For, having plucked them, I
threw them away, my sole gratification in them being my own sin,
which I was pleased to enjoy. For if any of these pears entered my
mouth, the sweetener of it was my sin in eating it. And now, O Lord
my God, I ask what it was in that theft of mine that caused me such
delight; and behold it hath no beauty in it—not such, I mean, as
exists in justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind, memory,
senses, and animal life of man; nor yet such as is the glory and
beauty of the stars in their courses; or the earth, or the sea,
teeming with incipient life, to replace, as it is born, that which
decayeth; nor, indeed, that false and shadowy beauty which
pertaineth to deceptive vices.
13. For thus doth pride imitate high estate,
whereas Thou alone art God, high above all. And what does ambition
seek but honours and renown, whereas Thou alone art to be honoured
above all, and renowned for evermore? The cruelty of the powerful
wishes to be feared; but who is to be feared but God only,206
out of whose
power what can be forced away or withdrawn—when, or where, or
whither, or by whom? The enticements of the wanton would fain be
deemed love; and yet is naught more enticing than Thy charity, nor
is aught loved more healthfully than that, Thy truth, bright and
beautiful above all. Curiosity affects a desire for knowledge,
whereas it is Thou who supremely knowest all things. Yea, ignorance
and foolishness themselves are concealed under the names of
ingenuousness and harmlessness, because nothing can be found more
ingenuous than Thou; and what is more harmless, since it is a
sinner’s own works by which he is harmed?207
And sloth seems to long for rest;
but what sure rest is there besides the Lord? Luxury would fain be
called plenty and abundance; but Thou art the fulness and unfailing
plenteousness of unfading joys. Prodigality presents a shadow of
liberality; but Thou art the most lavish giver of all good.
Covetousness desires to possess much; and Thou art the Possessor of
all things. Envy contends for excellence; but what so excellent as
Thou? Anger seeks revenge; who avenges more justly than Thou? Fear
starts at unwonted and sudden chances which threaten things
beloved, and is wary for their security; but what can happen that
is unwonted or sudden to Thee? or who can deprive Thee of what Thou
lovest? or where is there unshaken security save with Thee? Grief
languishes for things lost in which desire had delighted itself,
even because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing can be
from Thee.
14. Thus doth the soul commit fornication when
she turns away from Thee, and seeks without Thee what she cannot
find pure and untainted until she returns to Thee. Thus all
pervertedly imitate Thee who separate themselves far from Thee208
and raise
themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee they
acknowledge Thee to be the Creator of all nature, and so that there
is no place whither they can altogether retire from Thee.209
What, then,
was it that I loved in that theft? And wherein did I, even
corruptedly and pervertedly, imitate my Lord? Did I wish, if only
by artifice, to act contrary to Thy law, because by power I could
not, so that, being a captive, I might imitate an imperfect liberty
by doing with impunity things which I was not allowed to do, in
obscured likeness of Thy omnipotency?210
| 210 “For even souls, in their very sins, strive after
nothing else but some kind of likeness of God, in a proud and
preposterous, and, so to say, slavish liberty. So neither could our
first parents have been persuaded to sin unless it had been said,
‘Ye shall be as gods.’”—Aug. De
Trin. xi. 5. | Behold this servant of Thine,
fleeing from his Lord, and following a shadow!211
O rottenness! O monstrosity of life
and profundity of death! Could I like that which was unlawful only because
it was unlawful?
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