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| On the Source and Cause of True Joy,—The Example of the Joyous Beggar Being Adduced.
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Chapter VI.—On the Source and
Cause of True Joy,—The Example of the Joyous Beggar Being
Adduced.
9. I longed for honours, gains, wedlock; and Thou
mockedst me. In these desires I underwent most bitter hardships,
Thou being the more gracious the less Thou didst suffer anything
which was not Thou to grow sweet to me. Behold my heart, O Lord,
who wouldest that I should recall all this, and confess unto Thee.
Now let my soul cleave to Thee, which Thou hast freed from that
fast-holding bird-lime of death. How wretched was it! And Thou
didst irritate the feeling of its wound, that, forsaking all else,
it might be converted unto Thee,—who art above all, and without
whom all things would be naught,—be converted and be healed.
How wretched was I
at that time, and how didst Thou deal with me, to make me sensible
of my wretchedness on that day wherein I was preparing to recite a
panegyric on the Emperor,453
| 453 In the Benedictine edition it is suggested that
this was probably Valentinian the younger, whose court was,
according to Possidius (c. i.), at Milan when Augustin was
professor of rhetoric there, who writes (Con. Litt. Petil.
iii. 25) that he in that city recited a panegyric to Bauto, the
consul, on the first of January, according to the requirements of
his profession of rhetoric. | wherein I was to deliver many a
lie, and lying was to be applauded by those who knew I lied; and my
heart panted with these cares, and boiled over with the
feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, while walking along one of
the streets of Milan, I observed a poor mendicant,—then, I
imagine, with a full belly,—joking and joyous; and I sighed, and
spake to the friends around me of the many sorrows resulting from
our madness, for that by all such exertions of ours,—as those
wherein I then laboured, dragging along, under the spur of desires,
the burden of my own unhappiness, and by dragging increasing it, we
yet aimed only to attain that very joyousness which that mendicant
had reached before us, who, perchance, never would attain it! For
what he had obtained through a few begged pence, the same was I
scheming for by many a wretched and tortuous turning,—the joy of
a temporary felicity. For he verily possessed not true joy, but yet
I, with these my ambitions, was seeking one much more untrue. And
in truth he was joyous, I anxious; he free from care, I full of
alarms. But should any one inquire of me whether I would rather be
merry or fearful, I would reply, Merry. Again, were I asked whether
I would rather be such as he was, or as I myself then was, I should
elect to be myself, though beset with cares and alarms, but out of
perversity; for was it so in truth? For I ought not to prefer
myself to him because I happened to be more learned than he, seeing
that I took no delight therein, but sought rather to please men by
it; and that not to instruct, but only to please. Wherefore also
didst Thou break my bones with the rod of Thy correction.454
10. Away with those, then, from my soul, who
say unto it, “It makes a difference from whence a man’s joy is
derived. That mendicant rejoiced in drunkenness; thou longedst to
rejoice in glory.” What glory, O Lord? That which is not in Thee.
For even as his was no true joy, so was mine no true glory;455
| 455 Here, as elsewhere, we have the feeling which finds
its expression in i. sec. 1, above: “Thou hast formed us for
Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in
Thee.” | and it
subverted my soul more. He would digest his drunkenness that same
night, but many a night had I slept with mine, and risen again with
it, and was to sleep again and again to rise with it, I know not
how oft. It does indeed “make a difference whence a man’s joy
is derived.” I know it is so, and that the joy of a faithful hope
is incomparably beyond such vanity. Yea, and at that time was he
beyond me, for he truly was the happier man; not only for that he
was thoroughly steeped in mirth, I torn to pieces with cares, but
he, by giving good wishes, had gotten wine, I, by lying, was
following after pride. Much to this effect said I then to my dear
friends, and I often marked in them how it fared with me; and I
found that it went ill with me, and fretted, and doubled that very
ill. And if any prosperity smiled upon me, I loathed to seize it,
for almost before I could grasp it flew away.
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