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| The Conversation with Alypius Being Ended, He Retires to the Garden, Whither His Friend Follows Him.
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Chapter VIII.—The Conversation
with Alypius Being Ended, He Retires to the Garden, Whither His
Friend Follows Him.
19. In the midst, then, of this great strife
of my inner dwelling, which I had strongly raised up against my
soul in the chamber of my heart,662
troubled both in mind and
countenance, I seized upon Alypius, and exclaimed: “What is wrong
with us? What is this? What heardest thou? The unlearned start up
and ‘take’ heaven,663
and we, with our learning, but
wanting heart, see where we wallow in flesh and blood! Because
others have preceded us, are we ashamed to follow, and not rather
ashamed at not following?” Some such words I gave utterance to,
and in my excitement flung myself from him, while he gazed upon me
in silent astonishment. For I spoke not in my wonted tone, and my
brow, cheeks, eyes, colour, tone of voice, all expressed my emotion
more than the words. There was a little garden belonging to our
lodging, of which we had the use, as of the whole house; for the
master, our landlord, did not live there. Thither had the tempest
within my breast hurried me, where no one might impede the fiery
struggle in which I was engaged with myself, until it came to the
issue that Thou knewest, though I did not. But I was mad that I
might be whole, and dying that I might have life, knowing what evil
thing I was, but not knowing what good thing I was shortly to
become. Into the garden, then, I retired, Alypius following my
steps. For his presence was no bar to my solitude; or how could he
desert me so troubled? We sat down at as great a distance from the
house as we could. I was disquieted in spirit, being most impatient
with myself that I entered not into Thy will and covenant, O my
God, which all my bones cried out unto me to enter, extolling it to
the skies. And we enter not therein by ships, or chariots, or feet,
no, nor by going so far as I had come from the house to that place
where we were sitting. For not to go only, but to enter there, was
naught else but to will to go, but to will it resolutely and
thoroughly; not to stagger and sway about this way and that, a
changeable and half-wounded will, wrestling, with one part falling
as another rose.
20.
Finally, in the very fever of my irresolution, I made many of those
motions with my body which men sometimes desire to do, but cannot,
if either they have not the limbs, or if their limbs be bound with
fetters, weakened by disease, or hindered in any other way. Thus,
if I tore my hair, struck my forehead, or if, entwining my fingers,
I clasped my knee, this I did because I willed it. But I might have
willed and not done it, if the power of motion in my limbs had not
responded. So many things, then, I did, when to have the will was
not to have the power, and I did not that which both with an
unequalled desire I longed more to do, and which shortly when I
should will I should have the power to do; because shortly when I
should will, I should will thoroughly. For in such things the power
was one with the will, and to will was to do, and yet was it not
done; and more readily did the body obey the slightest wish of the
soul in the moving its limbs at the order of the mind, than the
soul obeyed itself to accomplish in the will alone this its great
will.
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