20. Having then laid down
these principles, which, as I think, are so just that I ought to
win this cause before you, let who will be my adversary, I will set
forth to you, as I am able, what way I followed, when I was
searching after true religion in that spirit, in which I have now
set forth that it ought to be sought. For upon leaving you and
crossing the sea, now delaying and hesitating, what I ought to
hold, what to let go; which delay rose upon me every day the more,
from the time that I was a hearer of that man,1732
| 1732 i.e. Faustus. v. Conf. b. v. c.
vi. § 10 |
whose coming was
promised to us,
as you know, as if from
heaven, to explain all things which moved
us, and found him, with the exception of a certain eloquence, such
as the
rest; being now settled in
Italy, I reasoned and deliberated
greatly with myself, not whether I should continue in that
sect,
into which I was sorry that I had fallen, but in what way I was to
find the
truth, my sighs through
love of which are known to no one
better than to yourself. Often it seemed to me that it could not be
found, and huge waves of my thoughts would
roll toward deciding in
favor of the Academics. Often again, with what
power I had, looking
into the human
soul, with so much
life, with so much intelligence,
with so much clearness, I thought that the
truth lay not hid,
save
that in it the way of search lay hid, and that this same way must
be taken from some
divine authority. It remained to enquire what
was that
authority, where in so great
dissensions each
promised
that he would
deliver it. Thus there met me a
wood, out of which
there was no way, which I was very loath to be involved in: and
amid these things, without any
rest, my
mind was agitated through
desire of finding the
truth. However, I continued to unsew myself
more and more from those whom now I had proposed to leave. But
there remained nothing else, in so great
dangers, than with words
full of
tears and
sorrow to entreat the
Divine Providence to help
me. And this I was content to do: and now certain disputations of
the
Bishop of Milan
1733
| 1733 i.e. S. Ambrose. v. Conf. b. v.
c. xiii. xiv. § 23, 24, 25 |
had almost moved me to desire, not
without some
hope, to enquire into many things concerning the Old
Testament itself, which, as you know, we used to view as accursed,
having been
ill commended to us. And I had decided to be a
Catechumen in the
Church, unto which I had been
delivered by my
parents, until such time as I should either find what I wished, or
should
persuade myself that it needed not to be sought. Therefore
had there been one who could
teach me, he would find me at a very
critical moment most fervently disposed and very apt to
learn. If
you see that you too have been long affected in this way,
therefore, and with a like care for thy
soul, and if now you seem
to yourself to have been tossed to and fro enough, and wish to put
an end to labors of this kind, follow the pathway of Catholic
teaching, which hath flowed down from Christ Himself through the
Apostles even unto us, and will hereafter flow down to
posterity.
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