Bad Advertisement?
Are you a Christian?
Online Store:Visit Our Store
| Troubled by Restlessness and Grief, He Leaves His Country a Second Time for Carthage. PREVIOUS SECTION - NEXT SECTION - HELP
Chapter VII.—Troubled by
Restlessness and Grief, He Leaves His Country a Second Time for
Carthage.
12. O madness, which knowest not how to love men as
men should be loved! O foolish man that I then was, enduring with
so much impatience the lot of man! So I fretted, sighed, wept,
tormented myself, and took neither rest nor advice. For I bore
about with me a rent and polluted soul, impatient of being borne by
me, and where to repose it I found not. Not
in pleasant groves, not in sport or
song, not in fragrant spots, nor in magnificent banquetings, nor in
the pleasures of the bed and the couch, nor, finally, in books and
songs did it find repose. All things looked terrible, even the very
light itself; and whatsoever was not what he was, was repulsive and
hateful, except groans and tears, for in those alone found I a
little repose. But when my soul was withdrawn from them, a heavy
burden of misery weighed me down. To Thee, O Lord, should it have
been raised, for Thee to lighten and avert it.297
297 “The great and merciful Architect of His Church,
whom not only the philosophers have styled, but the Scripture
itself calls τεχνίτης (an artist or
artificer), employs not on us the hammer and chisel with an intent
to wound or mangle us, but only to square and fashion our hard and
stubborn hearts into such lively stones as may both grace
and strengthen His heavenly structure.”—Boyle. | This I knew, but was neither
willing nor able; all the more since, in my thoughts of Thee, Thou
wert not any solid or substantial thing to me. For Thou wert not
Thyself, but an empty phantasm,298
298 See iii. 9; iv. 3, 12, 31; v. 19. | and my error was my god. If I
attempted to discharge my burden thereon, that it might find rest,
it sank into emptiness, and came rushing down again upon me, and I
remained to myself an unhappy spot, where I could neither stay nor
depart from. For whither could my heart fly from my heart? Whither
could I fly from mine own self? Whither not follow myself? And yet
fled I from my country; for so should my eyes look less for him
where they were not accustomed to see him. And thus I left the town
of Thagaste, and came to Carthage.
E.C.F. INDEX & SEARCH
|