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| To Gregory, his uncle.
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Letter
LIX.2216
| 2216 Placed in 361,
at about the same time as the preceding. |
To Gregory, his uncle.2217
| 2217 Vide n.
on preceding page. |
1. “I have
long time holden my peace. Am I to hold my peace for
ever?2218
Shall I
still further endure to enforce against myself the hardest
punishment of silence, by neither writing myself, nor receiving
any statement from another? By holding fast to this stern
determination up to the present time I am able to apply to myself
the prophet’s words, “I endure patiently like
travailing woman.”2219
Yet I am
ever longing for communication either in person or by letter, and
ever, for my own sins’ sake, missing it. For I cannot
imagine any reason for what is happening, other than what I am
convinced is the true one, that by being cut off from your love I
am expiating old sins; if indeed I am not wrong in using such a
phrase as “cut off” in your case, from any one, much
less from me, to whom you have always been as a father. Now
my sin, like some dense cloud overshadowing me, has made me forget
all this. When I reflect that the only result to me of what
is going on is sorrow, how can I attribute it to anything but to
my own wickedness? But if events are to be traced to sins,
be this the end of my troubles; if there was any intended
discipline in it, then your object has been very completely
attained, for the punishment has been going on for a long time; so
I groan no longer, but am the first to break silence, and beseech
you to remember both me and yourself who, to a greater degree than
our relationship might have demanded, have shewn me strong
affection all my life. Now, I implore you, show kindness to
the city for my sake. Do not on my account alienate yourself
from it.
2. If, then, there is any consolation in Christ,
any fellowship of the Spirit, any mercy and pity, fulfil my
prayer. Put a stop to my depression. Let there be a
beginning of brighter things for the future. Be yourself a leader
to others in the road to all that is best, and follow no one else in
the way to what is wrong. Never was any feature so characteristic
of any one’s body as gentleness and peace are of your soul.
It were well becoming such a one as you are to draw all others to
yourself, and to cause all who come near you to be permeated with the
goodness of your nature, as with the fragrance of myrrh. For
though there be a certain amount of opposition now, nevertheless ere
long there will be a recognition of the blessings of peace. So
long, however, as room is found for the calumnies that are bred of
dissension, suspicion is sure to grow from worse to worse. It is
most certainly unbecoming for the rest to take no notice of me, but it
is especially unbecoming in your excellency. If I am wrong I
shall be all the better for being rebuked. This is impossible if
we never meet. But, if I am doing no wrong, for what am I
disliked? So much I offer in my own defence.
3. As to what the Churches might say in their own
behalf, perhaps it is better for me to be silent: they reap the
result of our disagreement, and it is not to their gain. I am not
speaking to indulge my grief but to put a stop to it. And your
intelligence, I am sure, has suffered nothing to escape you. You
will yourself be better able to discern and to tell to others points of
far greater importance than I can conceive. You saw the mischief
done to the Churches before I did; and you are grieving more than I am,
for you have long learnt from
the Lord not to despise even the least.2220
And now the mischief is not confined
to one or two, but whole cities and peoples are sharers in my
calamities. What need to tell what kind of report will spread
about me even beyond our borders? It were well for you, large
hearted as you are, to leave the love of strife to others; nay rather,
if it be possible, to root it from their hearts, while you yourself
vanquish what is grievous by endurance. Any angry man can defend
himself, but to rise above the actual anger belongs only to you, and
any one as good as you, if such there be. One thing I will not
say, that he who has a grudge against me is letting his anger fall on
the innocent. Do then comfort my soul by coming to me, or by a
letter, or by inviting me to come to you, or by some means or other.
My prayer is that your piety may be seen in the Church and that
you may heal at once me and the people, both by the sight of you and by
the words of your good grace. If this be possible it is best; if
you determine on any other course I shall willingly accept it.
Only accede to my entreaty that you will give me distinct information
as to what your wisdom decides.E.C.F. INDEX & SEARCH
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