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| He Describes His Infancy, and Lauds the Protection and Eternal Providence of God.
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Chapter VI.—He Describes His
Infancy, and Lauds the Protection and Eternal Providence of
God.
7. Still suffer me to speak before Thy
mercy—me, “dust and ashes.”146
Suffer me to speak, for, behold, it
is Thy mercy I address, and not derisive man. Yet perhaps even Thou
deridest me; but when Thou art turned to me Thou wilt have
compassion on me.147
For what do
I wish to say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came
hither into this—shall I call it dying life or living death? Yet,
as I have heard from my parents, from whose substance Thou didst
form me,—for I myself cannot remember it,—Thy merciful comforts
sustained me. Thus it was that the comforts of a woman’s milk
entertained me; for neither my mother nor my nurses filled their
own breasts, but Thou by them didst give me the nourishment of
infancy according to Thy ordinance and that bounty of Thine which
underlieth all things. For Thou didst cause me not to want more
than Thou gavest, and those who nourished me willingly to give me
what Thou gavest them. For they, by an instinctive affection, were
anxious to give me what Thou hadst abundantly supplied. It was, in
truth, good for them that my good should come from them, though,
indeed, it was not from them, but by them; for from Thee, O God,
are all good things, and from my God is all my safety.148
This is what
I have since discovered, as Thou hast declared Thyself to me by the
blessings both within me and without me which Thou hast bestowed
upon me. For at that time I knew how to suck, to be satisfied when
comfortable, and to cry when in pain—nothing beyond.
8. Afterwards I began to laugh,—at first in sleep,
then when waking. For this I have heard mentioned of myself, and I
believe it (though I cannot remember it), for we see the same in
other infants. And now little by little I realized where I was, and
wished to tell my wishes to those who might satisfy them, but I
could not; for my wants were within me, while they were without,
and could not by any faculty of theirs enter into my soul. So I
cast about limbs and voice, making the few and feeble signs I
could, like, though indeed not much like, unto what I wished; and
when I was not satisfied—either not being understood, or because
it would have been injurious to me—I grew indignant that my
elders were not subject unto me, and that those on whom I had no
claim did not wait on me, and avenged myself on them by tears. That
infants are such I have been able to learn by watching them; and
they, though unknowing, have better shown me that I was such an one
than my nurses who knew it.
9. And, behold, my infancy died long ago, and
I live. But Thou, O Lord, who ever livest, and in whom nothing dies
(since before the world was, and indeed before all that can be
called “before,” Thou existest, and art the God and Lord of all
Thy creatures; and with Thee fixedly abide the causes of all
unstable things, the unchanging sources of all things changeable,
and the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal),
tell me, Thy suppliant, O God; tell, O merciful One, Thy miserable
servant149
| 149 “Mercy,” says Binning, “hath but its name
from misery, and is no other thing than to lay another’s misery
to heart.” | —tell me
whether my infancy succeeded another age of mine which had at that
time perished. Was it that which I passed in my mother’s womb?
For of that something has been made known to me, and I have myself
seen women with child. And what, O God, my joy, preceded that life?
Was I, indeed, anywhere, or anybody? For no one can tell me these
things, neither father nor mother, nor the experience of others,
nor my own memory. Dost Thou laugh at me for asking such things,
and command me to praise and confess Thee for what I
know?
10. I give thanks to Thee, Lord of heaven and earth,
giving praise to Thee for that my first being and infancy, of which
I have no memory; for Thou hast granted to man that from others he
should come to conclusions as to himself, and that he should
believe many things concerning himself on the authority of feeble
women. Even then I had life and being; and as my infancy closed I was already seeking
for signs by which my feelings might be made known to others.
Whence could such a creature come but from Thee, O Lord? Or shall
any man be skilful enough to fashion himself? Or is there any other
vein by which being and life runs into us save this, that “Thou,
O Lord, hast made us,”150
with whom being and life are one,
because Thou Thyself art being and life in the highest? Thou art
the highest, “Thou changest not,”151
neither in Thee doth this present
day come to an end, though it doth end in Thee, since in Thee all
such things are; for they would have no way of passing away unless
Thou sustainedst them. And since “Thy years shall have no
end,”152
Thy years
are an ever present day. And how many of ours and our fathers’
days have passed through this Thy day, and received from it their
measure and fashion of being, and others yet to come shall so
receive and pass away! “But Thou art the same;”153
and all the
things of to-morrow and the days yet to come, and all of yesterday
and the days that are past, Thou wilt do to-day, Thou hast done
to-day. What is it to me if any understand not? Let him still
rejoice and say, “What is this?”154
| 154 Ex. xvi. 15. This is one of the
alternative translations put against “it is manna” in the
margin of the authorized version. It is the literal significance of
the Hebrew, and is so translated in most of the old English
versions. Augustin indicates thereby the attitude of faith. Many
things we are called on to believe (to use the illustration of
Locke) which are above reason, but none that are contrary to
reason. We are but as children in relation to God, and may
therefore only expect to know “parts of His ways.” Even in the
difficulties of Scripture he sees the goodness of God. “God,”
he says, “has in Scripture clothed His mysteries with clouds,
that man’s love of truth might be inflamed by the difficulty of
finding them out. For if they were only such as were readily
understood, truth would not be eagerly sought, nor would it give
pleasure when found.”—De Ver. Relig. c. 17. | Let him rejoice even so, and rather
love to discover in failing to discover, than in discovering not to
discover Thee.
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