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| Men Desire to Observe the Rules of Learning, But Neglect the Eternal Rules of Everlasting Safety.
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Chapter XVIII.—Men Desire to
Observe the Rules of Learning, But Neglect the Eternal Rules of
Everlasting Safety.
28. But what matter of surprise is it that I
was thus carried towards vanity, and went forth from Thee, O my
God, when men were proposed to me to imitate, who, should they in
relating any acts of theirs—not in themselves evil—be guilty of
a barbarism or solecism, when censured for it became confounded;
but when they made a full and ornate oration, in well-chosen words,
concerning their own licentiousness, and were applauded for it,
they boasted? Thou seest this, O Lord, and keepest silence,
“long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth,”178
as Thou art.
Wilt Thou keep silence for ever? And even now Thou drawest out of
this vast deep the soul that seeketh Thee and thirsteth after Thy
delights, whose “heart said unto Thee,” I have sought Thy face,
“Thy face, Lord, will I seek.”179
For I was far from Thy face,
through my darkened180
affections. For it is not by our
feet, nor by change of place, that we either turn from Thee or
return to Thee. Or, indeed, did that younger son look out for
horses, or chariots, or ships, or fly away with visible wings, or
journey by the motion of his limbs, that he might, in a far
country, prodigally waste all that Thou gavest him when he set out?
A kind Father when Thou gavest, and kinder still when he returned
destitute!181
So, then, in
wanton, that is to say, in darkened affections, lies distance from
Thy face.
29. Behold, O Lord God, and behold patiently,
as Thou art wont to do, how diligently the sons of men observe the
conventional rules of letters and syllables, received from those
who spoke prior to them, and yet neglect the eternal rules of
everlasting salvation received from Thee, insomuch that he who
practises or teaches the hereditary rules of pronunciation, if,
contrary to grammatical usage, he should say, without aspirating
the first letter, a uman being, will offend men more than
if, in opposition to Thy commandments, he, a human being, were to
hate a human being. As if, indeed, any man should feel that an
enemy could be more destructive to him than that hatred with which
he is excited against him, or that he could destroy more utterly
him whom he persecutes than he destroys his own soul by his enmity.
And of a truth, there is no science of letters more innate than the
writing of conscience—that he is doing unto another what he
himself would not suffer. How mysterious art Thou, who in silence
“dwellest on high,”182
Thou God, the only great, who by an
unwearied law dealest out the punishment of blindness to illicit
desires! When a man seeking for the reputation of eloquence stands
before a human judge while a thronging multitude surrounds him,
inveighs against his enemy with the most fierce hatred, he takes
most vigilant heed that his tongue slips not into grammatical
error, but takes no heed lest through the fury of his spirit he cut
off a man from his fellow-men.183
| 183 Literally, “takes care not by a slip of the
tongue to say inter hominibus, but takes no care lest
hominem auferat ex hominibus.” |
30. These were the customs in the midst of
which I, unhappy boy, was cast, and on that arena it was that I was
more fearful of perpetrating a barbarism than, having done so, of
envying those who had not. These things I declare and confess unto
Thee, my God, for which I was applauded by them whom I then thought
it my whole duty to please, for I did not perceive the gulf of
infamy wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes.184
For in Thine eyes what was more
infamous than I was already, displeasing even those like myself,
deceiving with innumerable lies both tutor, and masters, and
parents, from love of play, a desire to see frivolous spectacles,
and a stage-stuck restlessness, to imitate them? Pilferings I
committed from my parents’ cellar and table, either enslaved by
gluttony, or that I might have something to give to boys who sold
me their play, who, though they sold it, liked it as well as I In
this play, likewise, I often sought dishonest victories, I myself
being conquered by the vain desire of pre-eminence. And what could
I so little endure, or, if I detected it, censured I so violently,
as the very things I did to others, and, when myself detected I was
censured, preferred rather to quarrel than to yield? Is this the
innocence of childhood? Nay, Lord, nay, Lord; I entreat Thy mercy,
O my God. For these same sins, as we grow older, are transferred
from governors and masters, from nuts, and balls, and sparrows, to
magistrates and kings, to gold, and lands, and slaves, just as the
rod is succeeded by more severe chastisements. It was, then, the
stature of childhood that Thou, O our King, didst approve of as an
emblem of humility when Thou saidst: “Of such is the kingdom of
heaven.”185
31. But yet, O Lord, to Thee, most excellent
and most good, Thou Architect and Governor of the universe, thanks
had been due unto Thee, our God, even hadst Thou willed that I
should not survive my boyhood. For I existed even then; I lived,
and felt, and was solicitous about my own well-being,—a trace of
that most mysterious unity186
| 186 “To be is no other than to be one. In as far,
therefore, as anything attains unity, in so far it ‘is.’ For
unity worketh congruity and harmony, whereby things composite are
in so far as they are; for things uncompounded are in themselves,
because they are one; but things compounded imitate unity by the
harmony of their parts, and, so far as they attain to unity, they
are. Wherefore order and rule secure being, disorder tends to not
being.”—Aug. De Morib. Manich. c. 6. | from whence I had my being; I kept
watch by my inner sense over the wholeness of my senses, and in
these insignificant pursuits, and also in my thoughts on things
insignificant, I learnt to take pleasure in truth. I was averse to
being deceived, I had a vigorous memory, was provided with the
power of speech, was softened by friendship, shunned sorrow,
meanness, ignorance. In such a being what was not wonderful and
praiseworthy? But all these are gifts of my God; I did not give
them to myself; and they are good, and all these constitute myself.
Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my God; and before Him
will I rejoice exceedingly for every good gift which, as a boy, I
had. For in this lay my sin, that not in Him, but in His
creatures—myself and the rest—I sought for pleasures, honours,
and truths, falling thereby into sorrows, troubles, and errors.
Thanks be to Thee, my joy, my pride, my confidence, my God—thanks
be to Thee for Thy gifts; but preserve Thou them to me. For thus
wilt Thou preserve me; and those things which Thou hast given me
shall be developed and perfected, and I myself shall be with Thee,
for from Thee is my being.
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