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| A Conversation He Had with His Mother Concerning the Kingdom of Heaven.
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Chapter X.—A Conversation He Had
with His Mother Concerning the Kingdom of Heaven.
23. As the day now approached on which she was
to depart this life (which day Thou knewest, we did not), it fell
out—Thou, as I believe, by Thy secret ways arranging it—that
she and I stood alone, leaning in a certain window, from which the
garden of the house we occupied at Ostia could be seen; at which
place, removed from the crowd, we were resting ourselves for the
voyage, after the fatigues of a long journey. We then were
conversing alone very pleasantly; and, “forgetting those things
which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are
before,”773
we were
seeking between ourselves in the presence of the Truth, which Thou
art, of what nature the eternal life of the saints would be, which
eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath entered into the
heart of man.774
But yet we
opened wide the mouth of our heart, after those supernal streams of
Thy fountain, “the fountain of life,” which is “with
Thee;”775
that being
sprinkled with it according to our capacity, we might in some
measure weigh so high a mystery.
24. And when our conversation had arrived at
that point, that the very highest pleasure of the carnal senses,
and that in the very brightest material light, seemed by reason of
the sweetness of that life not only not worthy of comparison, but
not even of mention, we, lifting ourselves with a more ardent
affection towards “the Selfsame,”776
did gradually pass through all
corporeal things, and even the heaven itself, whence sun, and moon,
and stars shine upon the earth; yea, we soared higher yet by inward
musing, and discoursing, and admiring Thy works; and we came to our
own minds, and went beyond them, that we might advance as high as
that region of unfailing plenty, where Thou feedest Israel777
for ever
with the food of truth, and where life is that Wisdom by whom all
these things are made, both which have been, and which are to come;
and she is not made, but is as she hath been, and so shall ever be;
yea, rather, to “have been,” and “to be hereafter,” are not
in her, but only “to be,” seeing she is eternal, for to “have
been” and “to be hereafter” are not eternal. And while we
were thus speaking, and straining after her, we slightly touched
her with the whole effort of our heart; and we sighed, and there
left bound “the first-fruits of the Spirit;”778
and returned to the noise of our
own mouth, where the word uttered has both beginning and end. And
what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who remaineth in Himself
without becoming old, and “maketh all things new”?779
25. We were saying, then, If to any man the tumult
of the flesh were silenced,—silenced the phantasies of earth,
waters, and air,—silenced, too, the poles; yea, the very soul be
silenced to herself, and go beyond herself by not thinking of
herself,—silenced fancies and imaginary revelations, every
tongue, and every sign, and whatsoever exists by passing away,
since, if any could hearken, all these say, “We created not
ourselves, but were created by Him who abideth for ever:” If,
having uttered this, they now should be silenced, having only
quickened our ears to Him who created them, and He alone speak not
by them, but by Himself, that we may hear His word, not by fleshly
tongue, nor angelic voice, nor sound of thunder, nor the obscurity
of a similitude, but might hear Him—Him whom in these we
love—without these, like as we two now strained ourselves, and
with rapid thought touched on that Eternal Wisdom which remaineth
over all. If this could be sustained, and other visions of a far
different kind be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and
envelope its beholder amid these inward joys, so that his life
might be eternally like that one moment of knowledge which we now
sighed after, were not this “Enter thou into the joy of Thy
Lord”?780
And when
shall that be? When we shall all rise again; but all shall not be
changed.781
26. Such things was I saying; and if not after
this manner, and in these words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest, that in
that day when we were talking thus, this world with all its
delights grew contemptible to us, even while we spake. Then said my
mother, “Son, for myself, I have no longer any pleasure in aught
in this life. What I want here further, and why I am here, I know
not, now that my hopes in this world are satisfied. There was
indeed one thing for which I wished to tarry a little in this life,
and that was that I might see thee a Catholic Christian before I
died.782
| 782 Dean Stanley (Canterbury Sermons, serm. 10)
draws the following, amongst other lessons, from God’s dealings
with Augustin. “It is an example,” he says, “like the
conversion of St. Paul, of the fact that from time to time God
calls His servants not by gradual, but by sudden changes. These
conversions are, it is true, the exceptions and not the rule of
Providence, but such examples as Augustin show us that we must
acknowledge the truth of the exceptions when they do occur. It is
also an instance how, even in such sudden conversions, previous
good influences have their weight. The prayers of his mother, the
silent influence of his friend, the high character of Ambrose, the
preparation for Christian truth in the writings of heathen
philosophers, were all laid up, as it were, waiting for the spark,
and, when it came, the fire flashed at once through every corner of
his soul.” | My God has
exceeded this abundantly, so that I see thee despising all earthly
felicity, made His servant,—what do I here?”
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